Behind The Scenes

The wofflings of a printmaking struggling with her mind monster.

From writing this blog I have felt better and shrunk the mind monster a little, I am not much of a writer, I never have been. Reading and writing for me have always been a big challenge with my dyslexia, but through writing this blog I wonder if it is something I should try and do a little more frequently. One as a way to get my thoughts and worries out of my mind and onto ‘paper’. Two because perhaps it is maybe interesting to you the reader to understand what is going through someones mind and life, other than just the nice art that they produce? And three because well why not perhaps, maybe it may help someone else in some way, even if thats just to know that everyone is a little bit weird and wonderful. So let’s begin…

To Do Lists

I was recently having a chat… voice notes to be precise (i’m getting quite comfortable with these now!) with a friend and fellow small business owner about ‘to do lists’, and the feeling of them never ending and at times becoming very overwhelming and tiring. We wondered was it just us? That have these lists longer than our arms of a mixture of life/house admin, small business tasks and more that all somehow have to happen around your day job and social life and try and squeeze some time out in there if you can. The conclusion we came to was of course yes people must have lists like this, some vary depending on where they are at in their life and some may not include a side hustle/ small business tasks but may include other things. But is everyone stressed by this? We guessed the answer was probably mixed.

As everyone knows it’s easy to make our lives look 100% epic all the time on socials be it as a business or a personal page. But that’s not a true reflection of life. I wondering now as I write this, how damaging that can be for us. I know I struggle at times to remember that what I am seeing on socials isn’t someones whole life its just the parts they want to show, naturally. It’s surely human nature to want to show and tell people about the fun things we are all doing. No one wants to see doom and gloom all the time - the news is pretty depressing as it is! But perhaps theres a middle point were its also good to normalise things a little on socials - I could totally be wrong here and thats ok, I think, but maybe seeing when things are a bit challenging for someone or a business is actually a good thing. As it reminds us that nothing goes to plan all the time and that even the most successful people find things hard or have moments of self doubt etc. That is can actually be a good thing as it opens up discussion and enables people to bond over something mutual and or to help someone out.

My Mind Monster

For example I have recently been battling in my head with my confidence in my art and my abilities to produce prints. Looking at the accounts of those who I’d admire and who’s work inspires me has recently meant that I have found my mind being in two places. One half drinking in all the inspiration and shared knowledge, feeling inspired and ready to create, and the other half having massive self doubt and negative imposter thoughts 💭 Often thinking that my work will never be good enough and worrying what people must be thinking when they see what I put out into the world. I imagine lots of eye rolling and mutterings when my posts come up on peoples feeds. When I manage to step back and breathe for a moment I know that this isn’t something I can control and that what is important is that I am proud and passionate about what I do and that like minded folk will be too. And thats ok.

I find when I have long pauses in working on my art that this is often when the imposter syndrome creeps in and starts to grow bigger in my mind. Like a monster hiding under my bed except this one is on my shoulder and in my mind, and very hard to shhh. I imagine it to be dark orange very spiky and with a wicked grin and pokey fingers that it uses to prod at me with. 

As some of you know we (Ant and I) moved house last October. It’s a dream home and one we still pinch ourselves about. It is peaceful with amazing views with some much wildlife its an inspirational paradise. One we feel so settled in already. It is in need of a fair amount of work, which we new and are excited to be able to put our stamp on the place. So, for the last 3 weeks it has been undergoing a full rewire (that’s not finished 🥴) and sadly our plasterer that was lined up to tidy up after the rewire in each room has ghosted us… so we are back to finding a new one. But that is all part of the fun of it.

However, this work being done has ment that my creative space is all packed up under plastic sheeting to protect it from the insane amount of dirt and dust. This leaving me at a bit of a loss as to what to do, unable to use my press and have a good amount of workspace to work on. So, I have spent the time attacking the jungle of brambles and nettles that is the garden along with tweaking my website and online shop (Etsy). Not having a clean surface to draw or etch on has been eating at the back of my mind quite a bit though.

I can see my goals list (in my mind also on my phone in the notes app) going unticked by the week as the work in the house continues and the time in which I don’t have in my creative space goes by. This allowing that orange spiky monster in my mind to grow and poke at my confidence and abilities. Laughing at my thought that I could achieve these small business goals that I had set myself and that anyone could be interested in my artwork.

Creativity In Many Forms

As a creative person I struggle when I don’t have an outlet for it be it through decorating our house, which I can’t do untill this work is completed, or my printmaking or creating a dream garden. Gardening has been a huge help during these few weeks and particuarly this Easter weekend with the weather being so gorgeous! It has allowed me that space to focus some of my creative energy in shaping and designing what I hope we can turn our garden into over time. Along with allowing me take out my frustration of the plasterer on the many brambles and weeds that need to come out first. I did also treat myself to a beautiful David Austin rose called Claire Austin, the first of many plants I am sure to be buy and grow! 

Did You Know?

You may, or may not know, that I have a full time job. So my time is pretty stretched between working a 9-5 Monday to Friday job, running a small business producing fine art prints, decorating/DIY on our new home and garden along with fitting in a social life and then general life admin. It’s a lot and one that can often help to feed the mind monster. But it is a balance that I am working on and one I wonder if writing these blogs may help with calming things and allowing that time to reflect.

To create art is my passion and one I hope to never loose sight of. It’s moments like these, on a drizzly Easter bank holiday, where I don’t fancy gardening, don’t have access to my creative space so can only sit with my thoughts and Toulouse (my cat and shadow of a sidekick) and listen to the rain 🌧️ perhaps with a book - something else that I am trying to bring back into my life as a way to get a moment of calm. That I manage to breathe, listen to the rain and begin to process how I am feeling, why I am feeling this way and remember that it’s ok. We are all on our own path. There is no wrong or right path, there is no good or bad art. 

And that perhaps this crazy ‘to do list’ that feels never ending… just needs revisiting and prioritising better. Because not everything is a must be done job for now.

Now is a good time to perhaps just read a book and breathe.